As humans and as leaders, we all spend most of our time working with partial information, even though we don’t realize it. We assume what we see is what we need to know…like the old saying “your eyes never lie” dictates. As we look around the world beyond us, the vast majority of what happens may seem to be clear…until you step back and as an important question: why?
With a personal mission to uncover or create possibilities so that others can imagine a different future, the first question I tend to ponder is exactly that – why? That doesn’t mean that other questions are less important, useful, or necessary. Often, other questions are more pertinent to the situation, especially immediately.
Even though I acknowledge all that, I often will default to the question always in the front of my mind…why? I don’t look for revelatory answers. I’m not expecting to solve life’s big mysteries this way. I do hope to make a slightly better decision, understand others just a little better, or create just a little more empathy each time I engage in this thinking though. So how does wondering why do this?
Let’s say you come across a really frustrating problem. The instinct for most or all of us is to immediately start trying to solve the issue in the most expedient way possible. That isn’t a character flaw…it’s biology. It’s literally what your brain is built to do. However, if you can fight your biology for a few moments and understand why the problem exists and why it matters, two critical things happen.
First, you will have a much more open mind relative to creative solutions. The best way to avoid “if I have a hammer, everything looks like a nail” syndrome (tunnel vision on a perceived solution) is to step back and check and ask “why is that nail there?” “Why will hammering that nail help?” “Why am I always trying to use a hammer for every job?” Clearly, that is all proverbially speaking. However, in life if you ask “why does this problem exist and why does it matter” you are much more likely to create abundant and interesting solutions. Are they going to be better than just hammering in the nail? Who knows! But you will break the mold of going to your mental go-to solutions, open your mind to possibilities, and explore things you wouldn’t have otherwise all which can help you in the short and longer terms.
Second, an inquisitive mind about why is much more likely to get you to an actual root cause – thus allowing you to truly solve the issue. I don’t need to lecture anyone on the value of the 5 why’s or similar concepts…moving beyond the surface issue and truly understanding the core why/root cause will always lead to as good or a better outcome than solving the superficial problem.
The best example of this I can think of is medicine. If I tell the doctor that my lower back hurts, they spend copious amounts of time asking me questions. They may not say the word “why”, but they sure are trying to understand why my back hurts. They don’t just say “take an anti-inflammatory” and it will be fine without another question. That would be the proverbial hammer/nail reaction. They also don’t just guess and say “your spine must be out of alignment – let’s do surgery”. Instead, they go down a path of finding the most likely why and then treating it (at which point the proverbial hammer/nail may be the right tools for the job).
So beyond problem solving, how does wondering why help with people and their decisions? First, it requires an assumption – you must assume good intent within people to make the concept of wondering why truly impactful. If your bias is everyone but you is dumb, evil, self centered, etc. then wondering why will only increase your bias. This is the exact trap we see the population experiencing with politics today – we’ve quit viewing political debate as a differing of ideas and instead made it into a moral right vs. wrong with the only difference being which side you stand. We assume bad intent by those that aren’t in agreement with us. Horrible horrible mindset with horrible horrible outcomes, as we are seeing. But if you can assume others have good intent even if they don’t agree with you or aren’t doing what you would do, the question why can be really powerful in understanding their outlook, choices, etc. The process of asking the question and having it answered (or even contemplating the alternative answers) will absolutely increase your level of empathy.
When I lived in the south, I was trying to explain this to a group of coworkers after we had an especially brutal meeting with a leader. I wanted to relate to my audience of native southerners, so I used the following explanation: “When I have an unexpectedly poor interaction with someone here, I go straight to a country song.” People stared at me like I was speaking a different language as everyone knows I am not a fan…and many of them were. After a few quiet moments I said “I assume the person was upset because a combination of their wife leaving them, their dog dying, or their truck breaking down….those are the only three allowed stories in country music, right?” The audience may not have been as amused as I was, but they got the point…just like we all have the last few years – you never know what’s happening beneath the surface.
Asking why and feeling empathy doesn’t absolve others from acting like jerks. In my example here, the guy we talked to was completely in the wrong even if the whole country song happened to him before the meeting. That being said, it did make me ask later if he was getting pressure from leadership or if there was a financial concern or what?
Low and behold, the empathy he felt from us not overreacting to his outburst in the moment and then following up a little later allowed him to go into why he had reacted so strongly on the topic we discussed and why it was so critical to him. No apology was offered – he was still a jerk! But with that information, we were able to come to a solution that solved the issue much more effectively for all of us.
Asking why isn’t a cure all nor is it always the most immediate question to ask, but over time it sure can provide better relationships and solutions than just taking the world at face value. “Why” can truly help you uncover or create possibilities so that others can imagine a different present or future.
View from the Middle 